Following is a list of co-dependent traits that are commonly exhibited by battered women:
The Characteristics of Co-dependency
My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain.
My mental attention is focused on you.
My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way.
My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests.
I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume.
The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.
The problem: Co-dependency develops as a result of having been brought up in a dysfunctional family system.
It is much more common in women, and it is one of the primary reasons that we become involved with abusive men.
In a dysfunctional family system:
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
As a result:
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love, friendships, and career relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us to not look too closely at our faults or our responsibility for our own well-being.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves and instead give in to others.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and rescue.
We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much. This includes our good feelings such as joy and happiness. Our being out of touch with our feelings is one of our basic denials.
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings. We received this from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease and we took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
We became reactors rather than actors.
Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal is.
We have difficulty having fun.
We take ourselves too seriously.
We have difficulty with intimate relationships.
We constantly seek approval and affirmation.
We usually feel different from other people.
We are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
We are extremely loyal even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
We tend to lock ourselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behavior or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over our environment. As a result, more energy is spent cleaning up the mess than would have been spent had the alternatives and consequences been examined in the first place.
We tend to look for immediate as opposed to deferred gratification.
We are overly sensitive to our own as well as others' feelings, and we tend to assume what other people are thinking or feeling.
If you grew up in an alcoholic or similarly disturbed household (a dysfunctional family system characterized by fear, anger, pain and/or shame) and you identify with any of these issues as an adult, there are now effective opportunities for change.
Children learn what they are taught. Children of dysfunctional homes enter adulthood coping with life in the same ways that proved valuable to them as children. They take their childhood roles, survival strategies and rules with them into adulthood. Later, they discover that what worked in a dysfunctional childhood home does not serve them well in adult life. The result is a personal crisis. This crisis can urge us to reach out for help, or retreat deeper into denial.
This frequently happens with battered women.
We tend to do the same things over and over again even when our behavior no longer pays off. The roles and rules of childhood, that once brought a semblance of safety and sanity, now bring little of either. As with the dysfunctions of the parents, the roles and rules of childhood progress and can encase the adult in rigid, stereotypical behaviors.
Resources
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, by Melody Beattie
Available from Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com